(*WARNING* THIS POST IS NEITHER FOR THE FAINT OF HEART NOR THE SHORT ON TIME OR PATIENCE. I JUST NEEDED A FORUM)

If I were Boomama or A.A. Milne, I would have named this post something clever like, "In which I vent so much smoke that the fire department shows up at my door." Instead, I will simply repeat what I am tired of hearing. . .

"You need to learn to say no."

If I could only count the number of times I've heard that this past week, well, I could probably fill an entire blog with those words alone. People see me rushing hurriedly about and say, "Boy! You look busy." What am I supposed to say? "No--really I find that being harried and feeling like my blood pressure is about to burst a vein in my head is the way I'm most comfortable." So instead I say, "Yes. I am." To which EVERYONE inevitably says, "You need to learn to say no."

Of course--those are normally the same people who don't pipe up to take the jobs that I am so busily running around doing. . .but that's another blog.

I, in fact, don't need to learn to say no. I say it very well. It's a small word. I even say really big words very well AND know their definitions. I astound my students every year by being able to say supercalifragilisticexpealidocious backwards. . .atleast the Mary Poppins version of backwards. I'm pretty sure that saying it REALLY backwards would either be impossible or vulgar, so I stick to her rendition and merely say dociousaliexpeisticfragicalirupus. I can even say it quickly--without spitting. But, I digress.

My point? Oh, yes. . .my point was that I am perfectly capable of saying no. But when I say it, people look at me at though I have cursed--or spat upon their newborn--or stepped on a puppy for fun. The look--I cannot describe it. I say, "No. I am really busy." To which I hear the proverbial, "Aren't we all?" And what I want to say is, "Okay sister--break out your list. . .'cause I'm pretty sure I've got ya whipped." But I don't. I say, "Yeah. It's tough." And then I spend the next 24-48 hours feeling guilty about saying no to them and wondering exactly what I could cut out of my schedule--atleast when I have time to feel guilty and wonder. . .it's stealth guilt. I all of a sudden find myself in a moment of solitude and relaxation (see denial) and think, "What do I need to do right now?" and there's where the stealth sneaks in.

So here is what I'm sayin' no to. Today I was asked to be on a committee at school. I said no. I said I am already doing too much at school. This particular look had a you-might-as-well-have-flashed-your-naked-hee-haws-at-me quality to it. I did not list for them what I am currently doing, so I will list it for you.

At school I teach. . .6 classes. Three of those classes are "on-level" (yeah, right) and two are workshop classes. One is a tutorial homeroom. Workshop classes contain children who have failed our state standardized test one-three times last spring and either barely made it or were "placed" (see failed but are too old to retain again) in 6th grade. People want to rant and rave about why we pass kids that can't read. . .well, I have a girl name Lauren in my 1st period class. She repeated 2nd grade. She repeated 4th grade. She has been tested twice for special education services. Both times she did not qualify. That means that her IQ is so low, that she is functioning to her potential and therefore there is place for her in special education, so she is placed back in "on-level" classes. She was finally diagnosed as dyslexic last year--but I think it's really just a low IQ rather than dyslexia. Lauren can't read on a 6th grade level. Lauren can't read on a 3rd grade level. And Lauren will NEVER EVER be retained again, because she will be 14 in March--that's right--FOURTEEN at the end of 6th grade. She's a sweet girl. She is, maturity wise, on a 6th grade level. But she will never ever be successful in school. There is no spot for her but the very precarious one between the proverbial rock and hard place--there is a crack with her name on it awaiting her arrival so she can fall through it. I am determined that not happen. . .but there is only so much I can do in these 9 months I have with her. Especially when it took me 15 weeks to find out all of the above information. Students are like babies--they don't come with directions. . .I would be so much more effective if each one arrived with a list of disabilities, hardships, home life issues, and preferences.

Again. . .digression.

Back to my list.

I am an official mentor for one student, but an unofficial mentor for probably 8-10 of my kids. I am an official mentor for a brand spankin' new baby teacher. I am the content area team leader for all of 6th grade reading. I am the Interdisciplinary team leader for one of the four groups of 6th graders at our school. There are 540 6th graders in all. I am a 7th grade homeroom tutorial teacher (which is when I'm supposed to do my IDT stuff, but they ran out of teachers, so I got it even though I don't teach 7th grade). I tutor two days each week after school. I have two parents that I need to call and I forgot to give tutoring slips to three kids today so they can stay after school tomorrow. I was supposed to be in three places at the same exact time yesterday between 2:40 and 3:20 at school--two different staffings for two different students AND a team intervention for a kid that is failing 5 classes whom I don't teach but I was the person responsible for running said meeting.

I am Brownie craft mom.

I organized ladies' day at church that I was unable to attend due to being a wife, a mother, and a daughter and sister-in-law. I am helping to coordinate VBS again this summer. I am slated to teach ladies' class each week this summer. I am SUPPOSED to be sending cards to the sick and shut-ins--but that hasn't gotten done. I got kicked off of the nursery roster for failing to show one time. I am supposed to help with Bible Hour in December and June.

We finally, after many years of saying we should do so, signed the kids up for soccer this fall. I am the team manager for Victoria's team.

Needless to say, several things that are my job in the mom/wife/human being department go by the wayside. I cannot begin to list the things I fail to do on a daily basis. . .or what I had to do to get Victoria a clean pair of panties to wear to school today.

This very day consisted of the following: just getting out the door. . .and minutes before that Victoria crying because she hurt in the direction of her pubic bone--which I was pretty sure was a urinary tract infection--got to school, got my kids started on a test, called the dr. to make an appt. for her--got one at 9:40. My planning times and lunch time and homeroom that I team teach happened to all be overlapped today due to an unusual schedule because of an assembly. . .so I was able to run to the office, get the okay to leave without having to get a sub, find someone to cover five minutes of a class--go to Tony's school to get the girl's booster seat, go to Victoria's school to pick her up (stopped and got her water on the way so she could pee on command), got to the doctor's office, saw him, went to the lab, was glad I got her the water, got her back to her school, and got back to my school 20 minutes before my next class period and just in time to catch the last 10 minutes of a department meeting. This afternoon was Brownies and V. and I got home at 6:00. . .meanwhile the dr. called and there is no infection which is great. Tony left to go to a meeting at 6:15. I made sure the kids ate dinner--got baths and homework and a bedtime story and some tickling and kissing all crammed in--started a load of laudry and sat down to write this little diddy.

Now. Exactly what is the dead wood that can be cut from my very overloaded schedule? All the things listed are good. All the things listed need to be done. Many of the things listed would go undone were I not doing them.

So here is what I decided this past weekend after I took a three hour nap in a tent on a blow up mattress due to exhaustion while everyone else was sitting under the trees having fun.

I am going to tell Susan L. that I cannot help with Bible hour. I am going to tell the card lady to stop wasting the church's stamp sending me a list of people to get cards to. I am going to tell the gal who is in charge of finding a teacher for ladies' Bible class that I will not do it this summer. . .no, not even to substitute or fill in. I am turning down any new requests at school that are not absolutely necessary (and EVERYONE feels that their request is necessary). I have already asked for and received Fridays and Mondays off from my tutorial class so that I can take care of team issues that are pressing. I am not going to any workshops, book studies, or extracurricular activities at school. I am not on any committees at school this year. I am not attending any seasonal parties.

What am I keeping? I LOVE being Brownie craft mom. . .crazy, I know. But I like knowing Victoria's friends at school, and it FORCES me to do things with her that would and have and do fall by the wayside at home. . .like teaching her (and 12 other 2nd and 3rd graders) how to sew on buttons. I will help with VBS again this summer. It is a huge project, but I have a great partner and it is a job that takes a lot of prep, but after the week is done, it's done. Soccer season is over December 2, and that job hasn't been too taxing anyway. I will miss teaching ladies' class, but it ties us down every week during the summer.

What do I want to do? Well, besides crawling into a nice, dark hole and pulling it in after me, I want to spend more time with my kids. I want to read the Bible daily. I want to get my photo albums done. I want to make my workshop classes at school as valuable as I can. I want to be able to relax at home and on weekends. I want to eat better, lose weight, exercise, and go to bed at the same time every night. I want to find a place to do yoga again and not feel guilty for spending the money to go and do it.

Pretty clear cut goals no? Well, I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing. In the mean time. . .I'm not depressed. I'm not disgruntled. I'm just trying to find the "happy medium" which is really pretty non-existent but worth looking for none-the-less. I have all of the skills and experience I need to make these things happen. . .it's just a matter of clearing away the underbrush so I can quit putting out fires.

I feel right now that I should list all of my blessings--which abound and are many and enjoyed on a daily basis. I am also quite sure that some of you have lists of things to do that would put mine to shame--not to mention other issues that I have never had to nor, hopefully, ever will have to deal with. I just needed to vent. . .to blow off the steam that has kept me from blogging since last week--which is something else I love to do. The blogging part. . .not the blowing off steam part.

And now--I'm off to fold that load of laundry. And try not to feel guilty for whining to all of you. And then I will go to bed too late so that I can spend some time with Tony when he gets home. Tomorrow I get up and go at it again.

To quote Forrest Gump, "And that's all I have to say about that." You can say whatever you like. . .but don't feel compelled to comment. As Tony told me once, "A vent only blows one way--out."

For a little comic relief from my fussin'--got to Rebecca's blog and see the things her precious children have said recently.